I have to figure this out, My parents Died…. Time stopped and my memories are frozen, I don’t like where this is going, its like a slip and slide. I cant move, I'm frozen, My brain hurts, my heart hurts and I'm tired.. I wish I could have taken care of her and brought her back. But I thinks both had such a struggle, there is now easy way anymore, I'm listening to Pictures of you. By the cure. Everything reminds me of her. She is everywhere now. I miss her, Damn it…. Life can hurt you like nobodies business.

Date: 10:30:2023

I look at the pictures and videos that I have left over from the past months. All I have left are the painful memories, where I prayed and tried and tried to find a higher calling to help her. I could not fight it. I could not repair her. I could not take away the damage. 

Time is like a giant hole swallowing up everything left behind you in time, Parents, Childhood, Life, Friends, and Finally you yourself. They say “Don’t look back.” My mom cherished everything from the past, I have all these memories, I want them and I wanted to create new ones. But that isn’t possible now. Unless I have a Norman Bates style type of imagination. Which I do. I can imagine what she would say. But I still would like to hear her say it. 10 months of worry and grief and setting by her side. She could watch but she could not say a word. “Shane will fix it.” she would say. 

Dear Mom,

I can’t fix this.

2024 wasn't much easier, I lost my 100 year old grandmother and my best friend of 20 years, Bothe Capricorns. January 6th and January 9,